


One day soon

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Hopeful Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Metaphors, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24629944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: It was the sneaking around that got Callum the most. He hated it, hated how it felt like he was living a double life- he was one person for Ben, and another rfor everyone else. Outside, he was Callum Highway- innocent, soft, naive. The kind of guy that would just laugh off the little digs, playfully engage in banter and take comments about how soft he was on the chin with a shy blush. Between the sheets though, with Ben, he was someone else.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	One day soon

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of Ballum week 2020! It's for the prompt 'the affair that never was' so obviously at this point, Ben isn't deaf.

It was the sneaking around that got Callum the most. He hated it, hated how it felt like he was living a double life- he was one person for Ben, and another rfor everyone else. Outside, he was Callum Highway- innocent, soft, naive. The kind of guy that would just laugh off the little digs, playfully engage in banter and take comments about how soft he was on the chin with a shy blush. Between the sheets though, with Ben, he was someone else. He was just Callum- quiet, ashamed, hurting. The man who knew what too much of a good thing would do but just couldn't seem to stop, no matter how hard he tried. Only one person had been privy to this Callum before Ben.

The sneaking around reminded Callum so painfully of him. He thought that was probably why he hated it so much. He knew, at the end of the day, he was just a coward. Nights with him had been like a breath of fresh air after being submerged under water for days- it was like fresh release, the bliss of just feeling, thinking, loving without restriction. It was in those quiet nights with Chris that he'd learnt how to be free like that. It felt as though Ben was teaching him again.

Chris' death just made everything that much more painful. It was his cowardice in the end, he guessed, that made him turn away from the man's memorial. Too afraid to face the man who'd taught him how to love with the shadow he'd become. He hated the thought of Chris seeing him like this. He'd never pushed, never even asked for more than he knew Callum could give then, but Callum wasn't oblivious. Chris had taught him so much about love, whether he meant to or not. Turning up to his memorial then, being the man he'd become- it felt like a betrayal.

Callum was betraying his memory through his lies, hiding behind false pretence, and it was only his cowardice that kept him there- the same cowardice that left Chris dying alone.  
-  
The bed was burning hot beneath him. The covers had been thrown off long ago, along with every scrap of clothing on his body, leaving him naked and vulnerable. Callum's right arm pricked with electricity where his skin almost touched Ben's, burning hot and sweaty. The hair was standing on end, as if reaching for Ben. If he moved his hand just so, his fingers would connect with Ben's. He could move them just so to thread them together, tie them in a knot that even he didn't know how to break so that he'd never have to leave this perfect little oasis. No matter how many times they did this, or what the situation was, it was always as though there was a ticking clock above their heads. There was always some reminder that this was only temporary- this bliss wouldn't be forever, no matter how much they wished for it.  
It was the sigh from Ben in the end that had made him move his hand away, curl it back towards his own chest and hold himself, desperately trying to stop himself from falling apart right there. It felt impossibly though, like watching sand slip through your fingers, something always slipping from the gaps. It took a while for Callum to find it in him to make his mouth form words again, and when he did, he realised he didn't know quite what to say. He could ask a simple 'was that okay' or 'how was that for you' but he knew Ben didn't really appreciate the sentiment. 

(Ben was much more versed in the whole 'sex without sentiment' thing. Or so Callum thought.)

He could ask Ben to leave, of course, but then Ben would leave, and everything in Callum's body fought against that, fought for just a few more fleeting seconds in that blissful oasis.

"Am I a coward?" he settled on instead, knowing the answer would probably be a simple one. Ben had been calling him a coward for weeks now- a coward for keeping Whitney in the dark, he'd said, and Callum didn't exactly disagree. The response though, was not immediate. After a while without a response, he looked over to Ben, who was staring resolutely at the ceiling.

"I think you're scared," he said, his voice quiet and rough. "Fear can be a hard thing to fight."

See, this was the part of it all that made Callum burn for more, every time Ben left. Of course, the sex was all part of it, the connection between the two men more than he'd ever had in all the women he'd dated put together (except for Whitney, he would argue in his head, even if he knew it was wrong). But this was something that was just his, something that he wished to protect jealosly. The vulnerable side of Ben, one that only came in the afterglow. Because as much as there were two different sides of Callum, the same wwas true for Ben.  
There was Ben Mitchell, of course. Walford bad boy, Mitchell heir and player. That was the persona Ben put on for everyone else, a mask he could wear so no one could see inside. Callum, though, was privy to another side- just Ben. This Ben was an enigma, a present wrapped in so many layers of paper you begin to wonder the worth of what's inside. Callum has seen glimpses of it though - like when Ben was collapsed at the housewarming party, stumbling over his words to spill his secrets - so Callum wouldn't ever stop wanting to know what was inside. Ever so often he'd see bits of this Ben creep through- the Ben that was just a scared, neglected little boy. The boy who, more than anything, just wanted to be loved.

"I ain't even trying to fight it though," Callum said in response. Ben turned to him, and Callum expected him to defuse the moment with some sort fo cheap humour or dirty joke. Instead, he was met with a serious face, blue eyes boring intently into his own, as if Ben was trying to read his soul.

"You shouldn't have to," Ben said. "You don't have to."  
"I do Ben, you know I do," Callum responded with a sigh, turning to look at the ceiling. For a while the room was quiet, nothing but the sound of the ticking clock to pierce the silence, until Ben spoke again.  
"I promise you, one day soon," he said, his eyes not meeting Callum's. His hand came to brush Callum's just once, carefully, so gentle that if Callum hadn't felt as though every nerve ending was burning he might not have felt it. That was it, the only touch he got before Ben was out of bed again, collecting up his clothes.

"Yeah," Callum said, more to himself than anyone else. "One day soon."

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I wrote this whole thing at 2am and I haven't proofread it so don't judge me, I get philosophical at 2am.  
> Hope you enjoyed, stay safe and come find me on tumblr! @artsy-highway   
> Leo <3


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